I do not consider myself to be a stupid person - after all, I am studying a pre-university 'A' level course at College - but I have difficulty communicating verbally.  I have, however, been typing using facilitated communication since I was fifteen, which is roughly five and a half years now (my 21st  Birthday due any day!)  I can type independently if I am in the right frame of mind, but that comes and goes depending on how I am feeling. One point that I feel that I should clarify as regards my own personal experience of communication is that I have had inner language from early childhood.  So although as a small child I could not find a way to communicate with other people, I did indeed have internal language, and I know for certain that I had no difficulty comprehending language, and therefore developing my own inner language.   The main difficulty I did have was verbalizing my inner language.  So when I did begin to type, I certainly had no difficulty communicating my thoughts via the typed word, because I had spent so much time thinking about how I would respond if I could.  I am aware I do manage to speak the occasional sentence but I have never been able to hold a conversation verbally or even reply verbally to people most of the time.  So that is my background information for you to understand.

When I first started typing, I came to a decision that I was not going to live my life as a virtually non-communicating person any longer.  I have found so much strength from being able to communicate my thoughts and feelings to people via typing.  In fact, being able to communicate has changed my life.  Although as you most probably realize communicating through typing is a form of indirect communication, when I communicate via typing I know I can respond.  I can ask questions, I can relate my feelings and just in fact be myself with no pressure to speak.  There is no one there to stand by and look at me and expect a verbal reply that I have so much difficulty producing.  I guess that most people realize that people do not have to use speech to communicate.  People can communicate via body language, actions and facial expressions, However from my own experience I know I also had difficulty with these forms of communication as well as speech.  In the latter part of 1997 I had occasion. to think through how one really does in fact communicate when I studied a play at College called "Translations" that covered different aspects of communication and language.  At the time I was rather taken back to realize that although I had in fact known most of the points raised in the book about how one communicates I realized I had never thought it through sufficiently to its ultimate end.

 I have taken time out from my studies over the last eighteen months to seriously think through my own feelings about my disability and to try to come to terms with it, because I had felt so angry inside about how I had been treated all my life.  I came to a decision that I was going to try to talk more because I realized that I needed to be able to communicate verbally to live my life to the fullest extent.  At the time I was feeling so frustrated by my inability to join in face-to- face conversation with any one other than my immediate family for any length of time (that is, using facilitated communication).  The first thing that came to my aid was my electronic "Lightwriter" with a digital voice.  The digital voice in fact spoke in an American drawl - so Doug Biklen and I got on really well when we met up in August of last year, ha!  So I guess I am Americanized to some extent!  It had taken me from March to August last year to get the courage to join in a conversation with a few sentences using the "Lightwriter" face to face.  The back view of a head is less daunting actually I guess, as Doug found out when we took a ride out for the day.  My continuous chat must have cost him a few grey hairs!  Mainly I feel more comfortable using the telephone that has the added bonus that I can think for a few seconds in peace and quiet whilst I am typing before I have to commit myself to anything too terrible (like answering "How do you feel today Richard?")   If I had to reply face to face to that question it would probably take me half a day before I ventured the opinion "Okay!"

 The day finally came, however, when I realized I had to join in the conversation as myself - no digital voice to do it for me.  After all I am British, not American, and my good old English accent needs to be heard in this country as far as freedom of speech goes - from a person with autism and limited speech that is! So I finally decided that I was going to try once again to communicate through speech.  I must admit I was rather like a cat on a hot tin roof -  aggravated beyond belief - trying to get myself out of the situation that I found myself in, of wanting to join in a conversation but having so much difficulty still.  So last September I decided to try to talk a few sentences each day.  As a person that had never held a conversation in his entire life, attempting to do so was an overwhelming experience.  The end result was not a happy one because eventually I felt I had failed again, although in fact I did manage a few sentences that came out rather well.  The final crunch came, however, the day the sound/tone of my voice registered with me.  It sounded odd even to my own ears!  It scared the hell out of me to hear my own voice talking in sentences, I can tell you!  As I mentioned to Doug at the time, I felt like I was dragging myself up the side of a mountain.  It was a tiny little voice I heard, clear cut, sharp even, but not good enough for me -  that is what I told myself (fine excuse).  Here I was a tall six foot hunk -  I did not want a tiny little voice coming out of my huge frame.  Both my father and brother had a deeper tone to their voices -  mine sounded rather like a girl's to me!  Okay, humor aside - I was scared stiff that was the truth of the matter but then and there I decided that I could try AGAIN and work harder at it than I ever had before.  So from that day to this, that is the decision I came to, and I have tried to stick with it despite the anxiety I feel every time I try to join in the conversation both verbally and non verbally.

 Having felt like I had failed at my attempt to communicate verbally, however, I decided to go half way between the two again-  the lesser of two evils I told myself-  and so I took two steps backwards and began by repeating back to myself each word as I typed it to gain some confidence.  The first few times were fairly hard going but then I began to feel more comfortable in myself when I verbalized my thoughts.  When i do actually try to speak the words as I type, I feel so sure of my own identity that I can hold on to it for hours afterwards.  I feel so sure of who I am.  I fill up with joy inside that I can hear myself speaking and I tell myself that I am the same as other people and not some inferior being, even if it is only for a few minutes.  I feel so excited by the whole thing of being myself and joining in the conversation verbally for a short time but then afterwards I feel so hurt again by the feeling of defeat that comes over me because in reality I know I am not the same as other people.  Then I go through the sheer hell of denying all I am again because I feel so bad but then I glance up into my Mother's face and see her dogged determination and I fight the anxiety that I feel, I fight the urge to give up trying, I fight the urge to go back to my own room and hide from people because I know deep down inside I want to be myself through and through.

 That is basically it, I guess.  I want so much to be like other people that the pain is unbearable at times.  I reject everything I know I am because of the agony I feel but then I understand that I cannot give up on myself.  So then I grin to myself and try to humor myself and I tell myself to try yet again because one day I know I will feel better than I do now.

That is all I can do, I guess-  to keep trying until I reach the goals that I set for myself.  Maybe it will not be this year but I look back and I see the child frightened to hear his own voice, frightened to have an identity, frightened to even look his self in the face and I know that I have come a long way down the journey of life in the last five years.  I will get there I tell myself, even if takes me another five years-  determined to the last, that is me!